An Apple A Day

With all of the talk about changes to the Medicare rebates, here is some actual advice I have received from doctors over the years that I do not think I should have to pay for, let alone pay more .

1. I could prescribe medication, but for the long term I think prayer and seeking God’s forgiveness is the best answer.

2.     I’ll “burn” that off using dry ice…that made it worse, I’ll now try to cut it out and remove the dead and affected tissue…ummm let me give you a referral to a specialist.

3.     That’s not normal, it’s not meant to look like that. End of consultation and no follow up required.

4.     Do you have a current partner? Have you tried websites or apps, though they can be a bit of a meat market, what about some social interest groups. Here are a few that I can recommend…

5.     Doc: Are you here to have your ears pinned back?

Me: No, I have damaged my vocal cords

Doc: Well you should consider work on your ears. I can do that too.

6.     I don’t know why your back still hurts. Let’s try a different cause of medication.

I still don’t know why your back still hurts. Let’s try a different cause of medication.

So your back is still not getting better, have you tried an osteopath or yoga?

            The osteopath made it worse? Let’s try another medication

Your back is still in spasm, I really do not know what is going on I think I will refer you to another doctor in the clinic who specialises in back injuries.

7.     Intern: This needle will numb the pain, ready for the large needle we need for the  procedure…now we are starting the procedure with the bigger needle. You should not be able to feel this.

Me: I can feel it and it is causing deep pain into the centre of my body.

Intern: Ok I will take it out and start again.

Me: I can still feel it and it is still deep pain.

Intern: let me try again.

Me: this is so painful.

Doc: Do you have a low pain threshold as it should not hurt this much?

Me: I was pretty good with pain, until now.

Intern: Ok one more time:

Me: GROAN.

Doc: I will have a try, but need to give you more anaesthetic.

            I’m now inserting the needle again.

Me: GROAN.

Doc: That area is really tight and the needle is not going in properly. I will try another spot a bit lower down. I will need to start over with the anaesthetic.

8.     Wow, that really looks painful.

9.     Ok for the next x-ray I need you to lift your arm up, and twist it outwards. I little higher, bit more. Now if you can just turn it out some more, more, towards me, more…a bit more…a little bit more. Now hold still. Don’t move!

10.   Oh, that went a lot deeper than I expected, you should have been admitted to a hospital for that treatment.