Monday, April 27, 2015

Toothpaste is only mint flavoured

image source:
Toothpaste, guaranteed to ruin the flavour of any food or beverage for the nest 30 -45 minutes, the only natural enemy of orange juice.  For some reason it only comes in mint flavoured

With all of the diversity in products why not branch out in flavours. Chocolate flavoured for singles and romantics, ice cream flavoured for children, kale for hipsters,  skinny cafĂ© latte with a shot of hazelnut for Melbourne’s office workers and bitter regret for the elderly.

Toothpaste comes in different size, shapes and colours including striped. Toothpaste is now branching out just like Tim Tams.

As a child there was only one type of Tim Tam biscuit now there are ten flavours including 5 “limited edition” flavours. I suspect that they are limited to the number of packets they can sell.

In the same way Toothpaste has gone beyond the childhood novelty of a green or blue gel instead of the traditional white paste. Now there are so many choices; hydro peroxide, baking soda, sugar neutraliser, sensitive, antibacterial, stain removing, breath freshening, enamel strengthening, micro cleansing and cavity prevention.

According to toothpaste manufacturers websites, each of the toothpaste products are clinically proven to prevent cavities, gum disease and bad breath as well as whiten teeth. If they all have the same clinically proven benefits, then it might suggest that they are, in fact, all the same.

Surely if the technology has in fact improved, as the clinically proven result imply, then surely for the medical benefit of all consumers then any previous recipes should be taken off the market.

Does your choice of toothbrush affect the type of toothpaste that should be used? If my toothbrush has built in plaque removing and whitening features do I still need these recipes in my toothpaste?

With different length bristles, built in tongue cleaners, gum massagers and cheek scrapers brush head that are angled, zigzagged, layered, inlayed with charcoal built in floss and finger and thumb grips that are now ribbed for her pleasure a consumer need a doctorate in physical, chemistry and biology to make their dental hygiene purchases

What dental cleaning products should vegans choose?

With all of these choices it is worth remembering that scientific studies have suggested that gnawing of certain would be just as effective, if not more so, than the no longer humble toothbrush and toothpaste.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Obituary - Richie Benaud in 222 words

Richie Benaud was the embodiment of Australian sporting culture. A champion of the game of cricket during his paying career and a champion for the game in the commentary box.

The voice of summer.

He was respected and loved by everyone from MCC Members, to the last drunken yobbo I the outer, Ritchie Benaud was cricket.

I did not see him play but his record shows he changed the game as an aggressive all rounder and extraordinarily successful captain. Leading the on-air commentary of World Series Cricket he told the world about the biggest changes in the history of the sport.

It was Benaud’s dulcet tones that brought limited-overs cricket to the world, explaining the rules and nuances of the game to everyone.

With perpetual debates about “what is Australian culture?” One simple answer is “Richie Benaud”. Hard working, loves summer, loves sport, fiercely competitive on the field, a great mate off it, with a great sense of humour.

Richie has won many awards for his playing and broadcasting around the world. The greatest accolade is that he is known the everywhere as “Richie”. Before PR managers, personal brands, and social media he was known simply as Richie. He was everyone’s mate.

To his wife Daphne, I want to thankyou for graciously sharing Richie with the world for more than 60 years.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Melbourne International Comedy Festival 2015 - In Pictures

I performed my fourth solo show "A Freak By Any Other Name". Highlights include a sell out show and an international show with friends streaming the show live from Denver Colorado.

Yes they are jazz hands

Mum and Dad front and centre

Opening song

Stand Up In The Attik

Downstairs Lounge @ Grand Mercure

One of them is a couch

stand up

Poster on the Information Booth

A love poem

"Leggings are not pants"

Let's talk about Easter

"Don't Pity Me"

Opening night audience

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Melbourne International Comedy Festival - Off Stage 5

The Comedy Festival, and my season starts in 2 days time as I write this. Nerves, excitement and fear are almost overwhelming – in equal measure. Ticket sales are ticking along nicely. Opening night is sold out and the second night there are only 10 tickets remaining. As long as there are tickets available then there is always room for improvement. Ticket sales adds a lot of anxiety even though it is one aspect of which performers have little control, if any.

Having tested material in pubs and clubs around Melbourne throughout the first part of 2015, I know it works. It generates laughs. At the right spots. Laugh with me, laugh at me, it does not really matter as long as there are laughs. A 50 minute solo show is a different kettle of fish.

The risk is it stinks like a kettle of fish.

It is all me, no other acts no MC. Just me beginning to end. My jokes, my audience interaction my musical ability.

The pay off is a lot of laughs, audiences telling their friends leading to more ticket sales. Intrinsically the reward is simply being acknowledged, all of the work being validated.

Issues of memory haunt me in my preparation. Will I be able to remember all of the show? Will my memory fail me mid line in a song?

And then there are the unknowns, broken guitar strings, losing my voice, drunk audience members, power failure, Russian air raid. Reviews. Some of these contingency plans can be developed others not so much. All of them add to the stress in the lead up to putting on a show.

The culmination of the nerves, excitement and fear is energy. Twitchiness, incredibly short attention span and irritability which all in turn lead to highly irregular and disrupted sleep patterns.

To complete the vicious cycle sleep becomes something else to worry about. It would be awkward to fall asleep during my own show.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Melbourne International Comedy Festival - Off Stage 4

Tech crews (sound, light and staging) should be like sport umpires in that if they are doing their job well they are not noticed. At the end of the show when the talent raises their hand toward the anonymous people at the back of the room or backstage the audience should be left wondering “who the hell are they pointing too, and why are we clapping them?”

The transitions will be seamless, the sound perfect no feedback, no drop-outs. Everything  goes according to the running sheet any the techs talent comes to the fore when they follow the act as they venture off script. Their flexibility and ability to go with the flow of the show – or if they were a constitutional lawyer; “the vibe of the thing” – is critical to the success of a festival show.

Rehearsals are as much about the technical requirements as they are the material themselves. I am pleased that the crew for my show have willing suggested ideas for staging that will add to the humour of the material. Check out my tech crew’s work for yourself - live for 10 shows during the festival.

Even shows that appear to have the simplest of stage set ups, a single microphone on a stand and a spot light still require the tech crew to be paying full attention. Many of the tech team will be running multiple shows per night and repeating them night after night. By the end of the season they will know the material nearly as well as the comedians and yet they will still laugh along as though it was the first time they heard the joke.

A wicket keeper sets the tone of the fielding side.  In the same way the tech crew can set the mood of a room for the performer and audience alike.

Here’s to the tech crews working hard on all shows, here’s hoping we don’t notice any of them.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Melbourne International Comedy Festival - Off Stage 3

People wonder why a producer is necessary for a comedy show. How much production does one person on stage talking or singing random stuff really need?
Let me tell you.

A producer does a lot of important off stage work that can take the comedian away from the art of performing comedy.
  • Preparing and distributing press releases. Despite the apparent narcissistic tendencies of comedians writing about yourself, in the third person without sounding like a dick is actually quite difficult. Much easier to have someone else write about you and make you sound like a dick.
  • Coordinating the printing and distribution of posters and flyers. Mine are now out and about in Melbourne and surrounding suburbs.  I would love to see pictures of you with my posters. This does not mean I condone selfies. Tweet them to @DfTours or #FreakName
  • Source costumes for segments of your show. Most importantly negotiates a loan of said props. Any saving is a bonus for the artist and ultimately for the audience with cheaper tickets.
  •  Delivering and collecting items from the Comedy Festival office. I am lucky in as much as the office is conveniently close to me. But those few minutes of back and fourth are valuable moments of rehearsal.
  • Assisting in the creation of techniques to help compensate with memory issues and no, one of them is not writing material on my hand and arms. Although my arms are freakishly long there is not room for the lyrics of 11 songs!
  • Negotiating/argue with venue about ticketing, technical requirements, even seat layout

Despite the great assistance a producer provides an artist, the one thing they can’t do is buy up all of the tickets, that is the responsibility of you the public.  Help to produce a great show by buying a ticket now.

One rule of comedy is the Rule of 3, so here are three ways to buy tickets to my show. (feel free to buy 3 tickets)